U..IM TOPSY TURVY..

Nobody knows how am I feeling today.Neither have I told anyone nor have anyone even bother to ask. Kak Shana was busy with her work..Kak Roy still muching with her Printcorp guy and Kak Mas was still cant let go her eyes from her computer..Perhaps even if something real bad had happened to me today , no one would know.I hate a lot these feelings I am having right now. I am even afraid of the consequences of these feelings. Knowing me, I could give up without second thought. It did happened to some people I used to care before.I never wanted that to happen but sometimes I just could not help it.I gave up when my heart could not take it anymore. The agony that I have had to deal with is sometimes just too much. Even if I thought I could go through it all and handle it, in the end I collapsed. Maybe I said that I expect nothing after I have given my all but then I am nothing more human than anyone else and my heart is not mechanical. I could not deny that deep inside I seek for a little attention and care.That's all but perhaps to some, that is just too much to ask.Don't get me start about being patient.I tolerated,understood,gave in and sacrificed for patience. Sometimes I feel like I literally abused myself when I am being patient.In the course of being patient, often I am left dissapointed but I just keep my heart strong and hang in there.I do not blame anyone for these unpleasent feelings I am having.Maybe it is my fault that I feel this way.Maybe I should have cared for myself more cause in the end, when I am hurt, I found myself soothing the wound in my heart by myself.Even when I cried, I shed my own tears.I couldn't depend on anyone else for that,of course.You know, some may say that they do care and that they will always be there but that did not really happened.It is either they didn't mean what they said or I just didn't go and look for them when in need.This is when we should practice "say what you mean,mean what you say".Unfortunately, I don't see that happen all the time.I used to be dependent to those I could depend on but now I don't do that anymore.Even if they are dependable, for some reasons I just think it is better to stand on my own two feet no matter how hard it could be.